I don’t know what’s happened near the end of this week but I have been completely drained. I think it’s this new diet thing I’ve been trying. My diet has switched predominantly to a lower carb percentage and a more high fat (healthy fat) diet and I think it finally drained my energy sources by the end of the week. I really don’t know if this diet is for me or not. I’ve been definitely feeling a lot fuller more quickly but I still end up hungry. Maybe my body is not used to this change so it’s taking a bit more effects on me than it should be. I feel like I need a huge detox or something with the exception that I haven’t eaten anything unhealthy or what I deem is unhealthy. I just feel full all the time and I hate the feeling of being full. It’s like I crave to eat but I hate knowing my stomach is feel, it just makes me uncomfortable and then I feel like I gained fat or something. Maybe it’s all in my head and is just part of my eating disorder. I think my body has been spiraling all over the place with constant changes and now I’ve just becoming mentally and physically drained from it all. I’ve experimented with my body so many times that it just feels damaged and fatigued. Or maybe that’s what it’s suppose to feel like during the beginning stages, I really don’t know. All I know is that I’m tired as hell and just worn out from everything in my life.
It’s becoming more of a daily struggle just to get out of bed and start my day. I’m glad that fall is starting to come around and the weather is changing, but it just seems that my motivation has been the same, just dull and down sometimes. I don’t know what the holidays are going to be like this year to be honest. My mom’s mom has cancer and this may be her last Christmas but we don’t know for sure. Either way I don’t see her that often so I really don’t have any deep feelings tied to that, so I don’t know if that makes me a bad person or not. I mean I certainly don’t want her to pass but if she does then maybe it was for the best so she wouldn’t be sick anymore. Death is an interesting thing, for some it can be a fearful , unknown place and for some it can be a source of comfort, a place for solitude. I’m not sure how far I’ve got left in this body or how much more energy and fight I have left in me to keep doing what I do to stay alive. With all this torture and frustration I put myself through, it’s like a constant battle with my soul, my skin, my heart, this body, trying to compete with myself in trying to be the best I can be and hoping it will be enough. For once I’d like to love myself just as I am even if I’m not perfect in my own eyes because nobody is perfect but I’m always trying to push myself so much more than I should.
I always wonder what it would be like to not worry about anything anymore, to not drown yourself in perfection, not judge yourself constantly to what others look like or how many friends and successful they are in their life. Looking at pictures involving scenes of nature such as mountains, ocean, even fields of grass and trees; it kind of reminds me of maybe what afterlife would be like if there was one. I would be running my hands through the water or the blades of grass sucking in the oxygen from the trees letting everything just flow through my body. I wouldn’t have to worry anymore about who I am and trying to prove myself daily that I’m okay. My mind would be at peace and I wouldn’t have worry about anything but the sound of the wind sweeping through my fingertips and the waves crashing against my feet. All my body issues would fall away and I wouldn’t feel so at odds with everyone. I wouldn’t feel alone and lonely, I would feel like I belong. I wouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to help everyone, I would stop letting people push me around and always being the nice guy that everyone takes advantage of and that girls always seem to set aside because “they’re not used to it” or worrying about people finding out about my past life prior to my transition.
There are so many things in life I wonder about that if I just left I wouldn’t have to worry about anymore. I’m just so weary that I feel like I’m much older than I should be. Just tired…